In a move that defies all my previously held notions of human sanity, three men were arrested after attempting to break into Heinz Field. Their excuse?
They were looking for a wallet that one of them left at a game in December. By the way, in case you live in a bubble, it’s now May 24. This video shows what the attempted break-in was like:
Before I get sued, if you couldn’t tell, that is not the actual surveillance video.
Seriously though, I have several questions about all this. First, did they really think they wouldn’t get caught? It’s not like breaking into a mom-and-pop store, it’s Heinz Field, basically the holiest of chapels in Pittsburgh (at least that’s where most people end up on Sundays). Did they not think about the fact that Heinz Field has these new fangled instruments called security cameras? Flies don’t get into Heinz Field undetected.
Yet these geniuses built a “human ladder” to scale the confines of Heinz Field. Maybe if they’d realized that none of the concession stands were open, they would have simply gone to Primanti’s. But no, fries on a sandwich were simply not good enough for these three. If, as humans, this is what our brains evolve into, in 2020, we’ll probably elect a gopher president (early polls show that Gus, the 2nd most famous groundhog in Pennsylvania is the Democratic favorite).
Now back to their excuse, the reason for the break-in was that they were looking for a wallet one of them lost in December. Aside from the mind-numbing stupidity of waiting 6 months to start looking for a wallet, was that they clearly planned this, so that was the best excuse they could find? I just don’t buy it.
Next time I break into Heinz Field, I’ll just say one of my friends is trapped in a bathroom stall with Ben.