Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Locked Out: 10 Things Steeler Fans can do in 2011

The thought of spending autumn Sundays doing anything but watching Steeler football would bring even the most hardened fan to tears. As events have progressed, this outcome is looking not only plausible, but probable. The two sides are so far apart that even the normally reserved Adrian Peterson is making outlandish claims.

(Side note: While I don't agree with Peterson's off-the-mark analogy, his assessment of who is to blame is balls on.)

So what do we do if the closest thing we get to watching the Steelers this year is watching Hines Ward awkwardly hide the erection that Kim Johnson gives him on Dancing with the Stars?

So in order to avoid a mass suicide in the city, here are 10 things to do OTHER than watch the Steelers on Sundays.

1. Drink Heavily on Saturday night, as to avoid waking up until Sunday evening.

This is probably the best option. If you don't wake up until 6:00 PM, you won't feel like your missing much of anything!

2. Watch the Penguins. A lot.

Here's the idea, for October-January Saturday night Penguin games, drink heavily, DVR the game. That way, when you wake up at 6 on Sunday, you have something to watch. Pure genius.

3. Go to church.

I heard that some people do this on Sundays. It may be worth checking out.

4. Brunch.

Brunch is awesome. You eat a smorgasbord of deliciousness from 10AM-2PM, then proceed to spend the rest of the night in the bathroom. Quite the Sunday, my friends.

5. Take your girlfriend/wife out.

If you do this on more than one Sunday during (what would have been) the season, you'll be in her good graces forever. Go to the symphony. They're unreal, and Sunday matinees are cheaper. Couple that with a decent lunch or dinner and you probably get a handjob out of the deal.

6. Exercise (This does not include playing Wii)

If you keep going to brunch every Sunday, you're going to need it. Fat ass.

7. Watch replays of every Steelers game from last season every Sunday at 1.

This is the most cathartic option, and you've probably forgotten what happened anyways.

8. Watch this video over and over.

9. Internet porn.

Face it, if you're single, you're doing this anyways.

10. Start a blog.

Any egotistical, self-serving, narcissistic jerk-off (See: Kurt Savage) can do this. Vent your frustrations out for 17 people a day to read. Afterwards, you can go an act like a know-it-all on OTHER people blogs. Especially the blog of Washington Capitals owner Ted Leonsis. What a crybaby.

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