Locked Out: 10 Things Steeler Fans can do in 2011

The thought of spending autumn Sundays doing anything but watching Steeler football would bring even the most hardened fan to tears. As events have progressed, this outcome is looking not only plausible, but probable. The two sides are so far apart that even the normally reserved Adrian Peterson is making outlandish claims.

(Side note: While I don't agree with Peterson's off-the-mark analogy, his assessment of who is to blame is balls on.)

So what do we do if the closest thing we get to watching the Steelers this year is watching Hines Ward awkwardly hide the erection that Kim Johnson gives him on Dancing with the Stars?


So in order to avoid a mass suicide in the city, here are 10 things to do OTHER than watch the Steelers on Sundays.


1. Drink Heavily on Saturday night, as to avoid waking up until Sunday evening.

This is probably the best option. If you don't wake up until 6:00 PM, you won't feel like your missing much of anything!


2. Watch the Penguins. A lot.

Here's the idea, for October-January Saturday night Penguin games, drink heavily, DVR the game. That way, when you wake up at 6 on Sunday, you have something to watch. Pure genius.


3. Go to church.

I heard that some people do this on Sundays. It may be worth checking out.


4. Brunch.

Brunch is awesome. You eat a smorgasbord of deliciousness from 10AM-2PM, then proceed to spend the rest of the night in the bathroom. Quite the Sunday, my friends.


5. Take your girlfriend/wife out.

If you do this on more than one Sunday during (what would have been) the season, you'll be in her good graces forever. Go to the symphony. They're unreal, and Sunday matinees are cheaper. Couple that with a decent lunch or dinner and you probably get a handjob out of the deal.


6. Exercise (This does not include playing Wii)

If you keep going to brunch every Sunday, you're going to need it. Fat ass.


7. Watch replays of every Steelers game from last season every Sunday at 1.

This is the most cathartic option, and you've probably forgotten what happened anyways.


8. Watch this video over and over.



9. Internet porn.

Face it, if you're single, you're doing this anyways.


10. Start a blog.

Any egotistical, self-serving, narcissistic jerk-off (See: Kurt Savage) can do this. Vent your frustrations out for 17 people a day to read. Afterwards, you can go an act like a know-it-all on OTHER people blogs. Especially the blog of Washington Capitals owner Ted Leonsis. What a crybaby.

Is Hines Ward the Greatest Steeler Ever?

Before you immediately discredit me, give me a chance to explain.

As I was heading into work Monday morning, I was listening to analysis of the game on the radio. They went over Mendenhall's performance, how inconsistent Dixon looked, yadda yadda yadda. Then a caller called in to talk about Hines Ward, and he said, "If Hines Ward isn't the greatest Steeler of all time, I don't know who is."

My first reaction was to roll my eyes and think, "Typical 'Yinzer'. The Steelers win an early season game, and it's as if we found a cure of cancer, and there will be an 80 percent chance of money rain today (Where are you, Pac Man Jones?). People need to get a grip."

Then I actually thought about it. And it may not have been the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

With his six-catch, 108 yard performance on Sunday, Ward became only the 12th receiver in NFL history with both 900 catches and 11,000 yards. The TWELFTH. His 78 career touchdown catches is good enough for 22nd. Ward already rewrote the Steelers record books long ago, and he continues to cement his place as one of the greatest to ever play his position.

There is no doubting that Ward is the best wide receiver to ever don the Black and Gold, but could he be the best Steeler player ever? That would mean placing him above such names as Franco Harris, Terry Bradshaw, Jerome Bettis, Jack Lambert, Joe Greene, and the list could go on and on. The only one that statistically holds a candle to Ward is Bettis, who ranks 5th all time in rushing yards, and 10th in touchdowns. Bradshaw ranks 44th in passing yards, behind such stars as Dave Kreig (13th), Jim Everett (16th) and Brad Johnson (38th).

But we all know that statistics aren't everything. Numbers are simply the only tangible way of comprehensive evaluation. In order to truly determine a player's worth, one needs to just watch him play. Even though his stats are impressive, that's where Hines Ward truly stands out. Hines is known throughout the league more for plays that don't end up in the scoresheet, rather than ones that do. Ward plays wide receiver with the same tenacity as Jack Lambert played linebacker, which has always been the key to endearing himself to the Steeler faithful.

I haven't even mentioned his Super Bowl MVP award, but uh, yeah, he's also a Super Bowl MVP.

So I'm going to go ahead and start making the push. For the first time, I agree with a radio yinzer. I think Hines Ward, when he hangs up his cleats for the last time, should be considered the greatest Steeler ever. He personifies the heart and soul of Pittsburgh: the relentless, gritty underdog that brings his hard hat to work day in and day out.

If you needed a reminder:





Feel free to tell me if you think I'm right, or if I'm right.